I have two trains of thought going on in my head at any given time. The main train is my typical thoughts but I always have a train in the background and its a distraction. It likes to sing songs and have separate thought processes from the first train. Some times I jump between the two tracks mid stride and it throws me off. Often making me forget what I was doing on train 1. Sometimes the sub train will have a thought but Main train has to think it again before I consider the thought as a thought. This creates a horrible echo in my brain that is distracting and can sometimes cause me a lot of anxiety.
My mother is Bi-Polar. I don't know if this is something she has always struggled with or if it is the result of drug use that she was very good at hiding and I did not know about till I was an adult. The realization of the existance of my two trains made me question, what is bipolar? What are symptoms? Could this be a sign? Now, I have never discussed with my mother her bipolarness (I realize this is probably not a word, get over it.) So my first thought was to google it. I realize that my source is not a professional and let me be clear I am not trying to self diagnose or medicate or any thing else. Just found the following interesting:
From http://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/how-bipolar-thinks/
- Obsessive thoughts - "These obsessive bipolar thoughts may be a repeating song from the radio. scenarios (such as a suicide scene) or a replaying of events (often negative ones) but obsessive thoughts seem to be the rule rather than the exception."
- OCD
- Extreme Emotions - "Everything feels like the end of the world."
- Anxious thoughts - "We tend to obsessively worry or feel obsessively anxious"
- ADHD - "We tend to multi-task compulsively"
Now you don't know me. You may never know me, but I feel like the specific sentences above describe me and I know some people who would agree. Heck one is described in detail in paragraph 2! Now with that being said I believe I am either not your a-typical bipolar or that there may be different levels of bipolar than what is described in the media. I don't feel the need to be medicated for it, I just want to understand it better.
I believe I have some OCD but not in the hand-washing, shutting doors 3 times kind of way. I collect things obsessively, I currently own over 1200 e-books! I become obsessive about people.Often I get my feelings hurt when they don't want to spend as much time with me as I do them. Or when they outgrow our friendship completely... I still get randomly angry at my ex-sister in law cause I felt like we were best friends and she was able to dump me in yesterdays trash very quickly. I still crave her friendship and approval even knowing it will never be like it was. She and I are not who we used to be.
I internalize my extreme emotions and try my best not to wear them on the outside which is only difficult when I face anger. Lately I have been angry too much and at all the most stupid things but I am unable to completely control it. I am passive aggressive and try to avoid confrontation when possible. I will have entire conversations with someone in my head using the worst possible situation before confronting them. Sometimes to build up my courage, sometimes to convince myself not to put myself in the situation to begin with. This is probably my number one stresser in life.
I do not feel like I am being productive if I am not doing more than one thing at a time at all times. It causes me anxiety when I am not multi-tasking. Being interrupted while multi-tasking causes me frustration and anxiety. It can be a simple as listening to music while cleaning or an audiobook while driving. The only time I am accepting of not multi-tasking is when I am reading but do this very seldom due to the fact I feel like I could be getting more done if I do something else.
All of this has me facing insomnia badly lately. That is the reason I am writing this at midnight instead of going to sleep. I lay there and get stuck on these though trains tossing and turning. Last night I started to think maybe I just need to get it all out of my head and on paper. Oh have I mentioned yet that I am LAZY!! If not, I am sure I will plenty. So instead of writing by hand I am typing it up and saving it here. Maybe it will get read and someone who feels like me will comment, maybe it will stay my private thoughts forever. Today, I don't particularly care. So until next time....
